Where do I begin?
Saturday mornings waking up early to be with him while he made his weekly pancakes for us?
How he cut them in a grid for me?
Or my adult days with him.
Or do I go back to the day I showed up to the hospital?
Where he held my hand tight when we were alone.
Where he told me he loved me and asked me to hold on to him.
Do I start there?
Because all I want to do is rewind and pull him back to hear his laugh, his voice.
I keep reliving those last moments with him right now.
I hope that's normal grieving:)
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| The day after Christmas 1973 |
My mom told me she would throw a big Christmas party for all their young couple friends and serve a variety of Mexican food. One year she told my Dad she couldn't because she was very very pregnant with Leslie.
He wasn't quite grasping why she wasn't up to it ...haha
(she gave birth to Leslie on January 7th btw)
She told me he got tears of disappointment in his eyes when she said she just couldn't do it.
My Dad loved being around people and being social!
This explains after our big family Thanksgiving in 2018, he called me in September 2019 wanting to have it all over again:)
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| On our flight to Oahu, I was 5 :) |
When I got to live in Los Angeles with my family from 2009-2011 and 2018-2020... I found myself feeling very nostalgic. Like there were memories hanging in that smoggy air for me to return to.
Maybe a part of me just felt closer to him living there. A little more cool like him. Maybe more confident like him.
I liked being there for one reason and that was to feel closer to him!
And I was:)
My Dad loved softball.
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| Christmas morning in Glendora |
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| Waimanalo Beach 1986 It was rare for my Dad to visit us in Hawaii. My Mom moved us there after their divorce. I went from having this life with him and Mom in Solana Beach with all my siblings...to having her leave with Marcie and I'm finishing my 4th grade school year in a rental with wild 70's green and orange wallpaper. I remember getting on that airplane for Honolulu. It was traumatic for me and I'm sure for him. I cried the kind of cry where you can't breathe. I had to sit by a man I didn't know for 5 hours and he drank red wine. I went from getting straight A's to barely pulling C's in my 5th grade class. I suddenly couldn't read or concentrate. But I knew how to make a friend by being funny. Something my Dad did quite well! 5th grade was the last year I was "popular" and then I lost my confidence. My Dad had the kind of confidence that seems to infect others around him for good. Always uplifting and always complimentary! What a trait to have:) I think it was something he always worked on. |
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| Big Bear with Dad I remember trips up to Big Bear to play in the snow! It was magical. I think he and my mom were at their best making things fun and magical for us. I remember so many parties and family gatherings from a young age. My Dad became my hero at maybe 6 years old when we were at my Grandma's home for Easter dinner. She wasn't a great cook and I always had anxiety going there because of the food. I was supposed to finish my plate. Well, some weird dish with kidney beans was served with maybe an overly vinegary dressing. It had me gagging. My Dad walked me briskly into the kitchen. I remember being confused and in one fail swoop he brushed my food off into the garbage disposal, flipped the switch and that was that. Hero Status I'm also positive he let a dog eat off my plate to help me "finish it":) |
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| my Dad was affectionate My Dad would hold my hair back and take care of me when I was sick in the middle of the night. Don't ask me why that is such a strong memory for me but it is! It was sweet and tender. He would hold my hand or let me follow him around. He was the best at greetings and hugs. But goodbyes were hard for him and emotional...never without a tear.  My Dad loved a good car. I have vivid memories of sitting in the back of his car on some LA freeway with the sound of the turn signal changing lanes and moving over the lane dividers... buh bump buh bump buh bump. The Dodger game on in the background...the sounds of my childhood (also the pop of a diet pepsi can haha) I never really talked in the car to him, just listened to the buh bump buh bump buh bump and him conversing with the coaches through the radio...giving them advice on what to do:) Naturally! |
My Mom would tell me he joined the church because of it.
The best things that came from my Mom were the church, his kids and making those friends in softball.
He told me that awhile back!
His words...not sure that was the order though but seems right :)
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| Magic Mountain My Dad loved to take us to amusement parks. Later in life I realized he wasn't super into nature but he was super into fun! These trips were the highlight of any trip to the mainland. |
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| Knott's Berry Farm Log Ride |
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| Graduation 1989 My Dad came for my graduation! My memory doesn't include him saying any words of advice to me but he did tell me when I got to BYU and if I got married...I would be financially cut off(he paid for my first year of school). And at that moment I told him I wasn't going there to get married. It suddenly seemed to scare me a ton. I was just going there because it felt right for me to do! My relationship was up and down to this point with my Dad. Due to me being a teenager and him being across an ocean. Every time we'd see each other it was like starting over:) Though in time, it got better. |
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| Fashion Show with my Dad at BYU The thing about my Dad was that if I asked him to come out and see something, he would! He would always suggest I be a fashion designer for Mervyns :) That's where he'd take me to shop for school clothes and that's what he thought I should do...wearable, money making clothing for the masses. Of course, I moved to a city he wasn't crazy about and worked for a small designer. But he came to accept that and that made me happy! |
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| Post temple endowment weekend 2000 One significant turn in my life was when I was 25. I called my Dad and asked him to call me every Sunday night. I told him I was seeing a therapist and she wanted me to develop a relationship with him. And guess what? He called me every week for nearly a year. My Dad is phenomenal at making phone calls. At making conversation. He showed up for me and I learned I had to ask him for that. This was a huge turning point for me...discovering my Dad was so meaningful for me :) One moment that kind of defines my Dad and how special he could make you feel was by how he greeted you! As I received my endowment in the San Diego temple, it felt like a long time coming. As I walked into the celestial room ...there he was... the first one to open his arms and give me a hug and a kiss. |
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| The last day with my Dad My Dad had been hospitalized for the second time in 2 weeks. Marty said to make some plans to visit and I didn't want to wait. I made my way down on a Monday and walked through his hospital room door which stood open on a Tuesday morning. The rhythmic bleeps on the machine and the oxygen compressing up and down behind him.. helping him breathe...it almost sounded like a jacuzzi. He didn't wake up right away but when he did, I was standing in front of him and he asked... "Is that the Great Jennifer?" I replied, yes it is! and I'm pretty great! Ha. I made him laugh:) See how his confidence was infectious? We talked and I hugged him and he said... ooooh, that feels nice Jennifer, I love you Jennifer. He wanted to talk and asked me about Henry. He was most worried about him. He said, you know why I love Henry?...he has an honest heart. I teared up. He asked me to talk about the kids and Clay. I read the menu to him and all the things he wouldn't have liked. haha He woke up and then looked at me and said, "you know Jennifer, Sarah Jane came yesterday and you are here today...I think it might be my time to go soon." And then looked me in the eye and said..."and it might be today!" I must have teared up because he said don't be sad Jennifer. He said, "I'm happy, I feel good!" And so I said, well...I feel happy too and I talked about his sisters Pat and Joan, his brother Lyn. I showed him a picture of him with his sisters. He smiled and lightly laughed. The day progressed quickly into a palliative care nurse coming to help us after both doctors confirmed this was acute heart failure and he would never be going home. My Dad was in pain, it took all of his body to get that oxygen in. It was heartbreaking to watch him with Ann, his wife of 40 years. My stepmom who has taken such good care of him:) But it was heartwarming to have him be so alert. Sharp enough to talk on the phone with family who we could get a hold of. Sharp enough to decide it was time to go home as he pointed heavenward. Marty and me made the phone calls and held the phone to his ear. The morphine was administered to help my Dad. He was comfortable and seemed at peace. Ann holding his hand with her head on his shoulder, Marty rubbing his other shoulder and for some reason I just rubbed his legs and rocked him.  I am banking on him racing to greet family and friends as he welcomes us all into the next life. To cheer us on the sidelines. To coach us to the end:) Love you forever Dad💕💕 |
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